Is How I Am Okay, God?

Sometimes it’s confusing if how I am is okay and I need to ask God:

“God, it seems like I don’t live my life like other people. Everyone is so fast and loud. I go slow and need silence. Is that okay?

God, I love the friendships and relationships that I have, but sometimes I don’t have the energy for people and I need to be alone and not respond. Is that okay?

God, I want to be separate from worldly things, but sometimes it feels good to buy something nice and new. Is that okay?

God, I have healed and grown and changed so much, but it still hurts. Sometimes I can’t breathe because I remember the pain and it takes over. Everything spins. I need to stop to feel it and cry. Is that okay?

God, I have learned to love Kristen. I take care of her and nurture her, but sometimes it hurts so deeply, and I still want to cut or burn her. Is that okay?

God, sometimes I get so angry at the world and the inequality and hate. I get angry about the harm caused to me and others. I want to scream and everyone to leave me alone. Is that okay?

God, I know that I am beloved and made new. I know that I have created a life worth living and that I work on it every day, but sometimes the shame is so strong. I feel embarrassed about my past and how I am and I hide parts of myself to feel safe. Is that okay?

God, you have called me to live and I have found joy in being alive, but sometimes the weight of it all crushes me, and I get scared. I think how easy it would be to die. Is that okay?

Is how I am okay, God?”

And God looks at me and smiles. 

She says, “Kristen, my child. You are beloved. Everything about you is more than okay. Know that I am with you in it all and that I delight in every part of you. Please just keep being Kristen, who I created you to be. That is enough. I promise that how you are is okay.”

And then I remember. I remember that I am beloved. I remember that I am connected to the Earth, Kristen, and God. I remember that how I am, every part, is okay. 

I smile, take a deep breath, and keep living. 

Thanks be to God!