Ketamine Truth

I’ve been struggling. Worlds are colliding and it is bringing so much up for me. I try to stay afloat but I am drowning. The past has been so loud in my head. Screaming. I feel it all. I remember it all. Not only in my mind but also in my body. The pain has changed my cells.

I get confused sometimes about what is true and what is real. It feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am being crushed. Harmful words of others echo in my being. “Addict.” “Too much.” “Difficult.” “Manipulative.” “Bad.” “Unworthy.” “Cutter.” “Crazy.” All I can do is grab my head, lay down, and scream. Just because you don’t see the walls doesn’t mean they aren’t there. They are real. They are real!

I try to use my words but I don’t know if they are enough. I don’t know if I am communicating my pain in a way that others will understand. In a way that I will even understand. Words get jumbled and my body remembers another way to show my pain. I see flashes of blood in my mind. Memories of parts of my body being cut open with a razor blade. I feel my skin shouting for release. My body wants me to cut so I can calm down. Every part of me thinks that cutting is the only way. I know that if I cut, I will experience relief and the emotional pain will be dulled, even if only for a moment. I also know now that it will only be temporary. That I would be hurting Kristen. And what I want is to help Kristen. For others to see me and my pain.

I remember my words again. I slowly begin to share my pain to safe Allies around me. I open. I let go. I trust. I fall. I cry and cry and cry because there is an eternity of pain in my soul. My Allies see me and not the blood. My Allies are helping me and they aren’t scared of me. My Allies are telling me that how I am is okay.

I am confused! I love being supported and seen but why did it take so long??? Why did God wait 20 years??? Where were you God???!!!!! So much pain. So many years alone and lost in this world. So much judgement and shame and cruelty. Crying to God to please help me. It all makes me want to give up and die. To be with God and my brother and experience the peace of an after life.

But I don’t give up. I look around this world that I have built. Kristens world. And I ground myself. I see my past and I hold space for the pain and the memories. I heal and love Little Kristen every day. I stand in my present and my truth and I know that I am Kristen. I know that I am worthy and holy and beloved. I know that I am a child of God and that I am good. I look towards my future and I see my beautiful Queen Victoria. I see our brown baby. I see us all together laughing in the ocean under the sun. I see the sky and plants and our yellow home and so much love. I breathe. I step back. I say, “it’s okay Kristen.” And maybe one day it will be.