Episode

I’m in an episode today. I feel confused and scared and not real. I have this thought that I want to die but I know it’s not true. I feel an intense need to hurt myself in some way. My skin is screaming at me to cut or burn it so the pain will stop. I look at my scars and remember the knife. The cigarettes. The lighter. I crave the control. The feeling of release. The way the blood shows me that I am real. That my pain is real. I want to show my Allies how bad the pain is. My words are never enough. I need to show it with my blood. It makes me feel out of control and crazy. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” reverberates in my soul. Words from family, providers, friends. People I went to for help but only ever felt judgement and shame. I don’t have an answer. I just know that it hurts so deeply. That the pain is a part of me and sometimes that’s the only part I can feel.