Morning Routine

I wake up confused. How old am I? Where am I? What year is this? I grab my book and my medicine along with my notecard. This is automatic to me- I do it every morning. I make my way to the bathroom, grabbing a water bottle and turning up the heat on the thermostat. Once I get there I immediately start reading my notecard-

“I am Kristen Joy Combs.

I am in my home and safe.

Victoria is my fiancée and she loves me.

Jack is my daemon and he loves me.

My Allies are with me.

I have the tools to care for my needs.

I am strong and I am fire.”

I breathe. Read it again. And again. I sink into the hot water smelling of ginger and before I can think I start to read. It’s too early to think and my emotions are too intense. I just need quiet for a little bit.

When the water starts to get cold I go into the bedroom to get dressed. Jack is crying and I can feel myself getting stressed. “Breathe, Kristen,” I say, “everything is okay.” Getting my coat on and Jack ready takes more energy than I had expected. By the time we are outside I feel so intense my chest is exploding. I can’t see the sun. I forget if I am real or if I am just a ghost being pulled by a dog?

I walk and breathe and talk to myself and try to remember but everything feels heavy. Finally we make it back home and it is time for my meditation. I don’t have the energy to lay out my mat so I collapse on the bean bag and float while I listen to the words telling me to breathe. The pain is crushing me but I fight.

I’m supposed to do my check in now but I don’t care. My day hasn’t even begun and already I want to quit. I cry in defeat. I’m trying so hard but sometimes it just doesn’t matter and I don’t understand. I feel so disconnected and the memories won’t stop and I want to hurt myself and I can’t remember if I am good. I can’t remember what the sun feels like and I’m lost in the dark.

I am in a spiral and I forget that I am Kristen and I forget that I am safe and I forget that my Allies are with me. So I close my eyes. I stop. I keep breathing. I wait until I remember that I am not alone and I reach out for help.