Unashamed

I used to hold so much shame. I didn’t even feel like a person. After so much trauma and no one listening to me, I internalized that I was bad. I lost myself when all I ever wanted was to be found. But they said I wasn’t good enough. They said I just had to pray. To believe. And everything would be okay. So I DID pray and I tried to believe, but it still hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe. They said it was my fault. I wasn’t praying right, I wasn’t giving everything to God. I felt so angry and confused. All I wanted was someone to help me. Instead of compassion and kindness, I was given ultimatums and shunned. I was on my own to “get better” but I didn’t know how and no one would believe me. All I wanted was to die but that wasn’t okay either. So I found things that made it a little better. Drugs, cutting, sex. And for moments I felt something different, but it never lasted. It just made things worse. I was trying to do what they said and help myself but that wasn’t okay either. “Not THAT way,” they said. And they turned away, affirming to themselves that they were right all along- Kristen is bad. Lost and disconnected, I crumbled at the weight of the world. The pain was too much bear. How could I live here? How could people be so cruel? I didn’t understand and it was so hard to stay. I didn’t belong. I wasn’t real. 

Finally, after twenty years, I found someone who would listen to me. Who let me yell and scream and release all the anger and hurt. Who sat with me in my pain and did not turn away. Who gently taught me boundaries and skills. And I was so grateful. It was so hard and it took years, but I wasn’t alone. I found others who started listening to me. Who stayed. Who didn’t think I was bad. Slowly the light inside me started to grow. I found places where I belong. I found connection to the Earth. I found stability. The shame started to slip away. 

After many years of healing I can feel myself start to settle. I no longer feel disconnected and alone. I am able to be Kristen in the pain and the joy. I am complex and hold the light but I also hold so much darkness. And that’s okay. How I am is okay. I am okay. Now I know who I am and I want to be here. I want to live. I don’t want to waste the time I have left feeling bad about myself. I don’t want to waste energy caring so much about what other people think. I am free and I am whole. And I am powerful. I can feel the power rising within me. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. I don’t want to walk in anyone’s footsteps or beg God to tell me what to do. I want to listen to Kristen. I want to listen to God and the Ancients INSIDE of Kristen. I no longer need to look outside of myself. I can trust what I know and who I am. I am the Wife and the Mother. I am the Witch. I am a Child of God.  I am Kristen and I am not ashamed.