The Blessing: April 14, 2022

It was Maundy Thursday. A Holy day. The night where Christians remember the Last Supper, Jesus washing the feet of His disciples, and the arrest of Jesus. That Easter season felt so different. For the first time in my life I was actually present. I was experiencing Spring as an awakening. The Earth and Sun and Moon were teaching me and I was listening. I saw what was dead coming back to life. I saw the changing of the Seasons and the cycles of the Sun and Moon. I was learning to ground myself in Mother Earth and letting Her transform me. The fog that had been my life for over twenty years was lifting. But it wasn’t gone.

I was having a really hard day. Fighting with my partner left me feeling alone, angry, and confused. I really wanted to go to church but she didn’t, and I had never been by myself before. It took every ounce of strength I had to get myself there. I sat in my car in the church parking lot feeling so many intense and conflicting emotions. Parts of me wanted to run away and do something destructive. My demons were calling to me. Telling me drugs or self harm or even suicide were better options than walking into church alone. Telling me lies like I am unworthy and not wanted and don’t belong. That there is no space for someone like me at church. But there was another part of me fighting these lies. Arguing with the demons in my head. Hope, just a small glimmer, shone in my heart and I found the strength to walk into the church.

I felt so uncertain, so scared, so confused. Being around people was disorienting and overwhelming and my history with church has been harmful. I made it to the sanctuary and slipped into the back pew hoping no one was looking at me. I was burning with anxiety and shame. It took all of my energy to stay and not run out the door.

During the service there was a time to remember our baptisms by being blessed with the water in the font. I felt such a desperate longing for that blessing. My soul was crying out to God for grace and mercy and healing. People were lining up in the aisles to receive their blessing but I couldn’t bring myself to stand up. I felt so unsure of myself and so much shame about who and how I am. Names from my past were shouting in my head. “Bad.” “Addict.” “Cutter.” “Difficult.” “Crazy.” I couldn’t make them stop. I wanted more than anything to walk up to Pastor Heidi and be blessed, but I couldn’t do it. “God doesn’t want me. I’m nothing. I am unlovable and don’t deserve to be blessed,” is what my head was telling me.

But God is so much bigger than my past. As I sat there with my head bowed in shame and tears pouring down my face, God saw me. I looked up and there was Pastor Heidi, standing over me in the pew, the water dripping from her fingers onto my forehead as she made the sign of the cross. “Kristen, you are a holy and beloved child of God, made new in the waters of baptism.” Something deep inside of me cracked open and I felt the shame shifting, making space for grace. Pastor Heidi did not say, like so many others, “Kristen, repent first and then I will bless you,” or, “Kristen, change who you are in order to receive a blessing.” No. God was blessing me. All of me. She found me in the dark and She called me a new name. She named me “beloved.” I cried tears of relief and joy because that’s all I’ve ever wanted.