Kristen is Enough!

People have been annoying me lately. Everyone telling me how I feel and what things mean and how I should be. It’s irritating. I’m getting tired of trying to explain myself to the world. I had to find my power and then claim my power and now I need to use it. To stand in it. To be it. If that means that I am powerful and resting that’s okay too. Or powerful and taking a break. I am allowed. It’s so hard because people have all these expectations and ideas of me but they don’t know what it’s like to have a lifetime where every mistake you made was a crisis. Of a lifetime of asking for help but instead getting cold rooms, mean doctors, white walls, and locked doors. I’m tired of being small. Of making it easier for other people around me. I want to take up space!! And not always in a gentle or considerate way. Sometimes I just want to be free and to be loud and have opinions and laugh and yell and be WOMAN!!! That’s not allowed in our society but I can’t just be waiting for someone else to give me permission to live my life. I am living it and I am doing it and I am growing growing growing. I want people to leave me alone!!!! I am okay how I am and I can do anything I want!!!!! These fucking people think they know me but they have no idea what it is like to be me. They have no concept of the vastness and intensity of pain I feel every day. I hold the world inside me. I am angry. And I am tired of being quiet. Maybe I need to break the silence. Maybe I need to scream and wake everyone up. Or maybe I can just be Kristen. Living my life with Victoria and Jack and following the wheel of the year and raising a child. Living according to my values in a kind and equitable way that is grounded in the present. I am trying. I don’t like people putting pressure on me. I don’t like people telling me who I am or what to do. I don’t want to be this “good girl.” I AM NOT A DOG!!!!! I am so tired of men and the world telling me my limits and what I need. People always tell me I am stronger than I know and I think that’s true. I am the baby elephant, chained to a peg, that grew into a beautiful mother goddess and sometimes I forget that I can break the chain! I forget that I’m not powerless Kristen anymore. I forget that I have words and a voice. I forget that the past is not happening now. I forget that I am not in prison!!! It’s so hard though because sometimes you need to just make the world small and go back in your cage a little bit to regulate yourself. And find your power again. And that’s okay. So I’m trying to remember. I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to follow God and the Universe and the Goddess within. I’m listening to Kristen. I am experiencing silence. I am allowing myself to take up space. I am no longer powerless Kristen who has to sleep outside because she got kicked out of sober living. I am no longer Kristen alone in the psych ward waiting for someone to open the doors. I am no longer Kristen held down by a man while he rapes me. I am fucking free. I am powerful. I hold my past, present and future and I am ruler of them all. I know it so deeply but to live it is so scary. I can feel something shifting inside myself and in the world. Perspectives changing. I am no longer little Kristen or ineffective Kristen or bad Kristen or difficult Kristen. Those will always be parts of me but I have transformed and maybe I couldn’t see my wings. Maybe they are still wet and dripping and I’m just getting out of the cocoon and I need time to shake myself off and take a breath and then I will lift my wings in the air and soar and everyone will see how beautiful I can be. And I will still hold the pain with the joy. I will be immortal. I will be cycles repeating. I will be earth. I will know the knowledge that everything is beginning and ending always and that change is the only constant. And I will scream my pain and tear down walls and break chains. And I will also laugh and cry from all the joy I feel and know. I don’t need permission. I don’t need to be good. I don’t need to be locked away or treated carefully. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do. I can ask for help if I need it and I am an adult now. I am confident and responsible and happy. I am living in the present while honoring the past and planning for the future. I am holding it all. I am going slow and enjoying the journey and taking things as they come. I am holding hope. I am letting go. I am connected. What more could you ask of me????? I am Kristen and that is fucking enough!