November 13

Today I remember my brother’s last day in this world, and I honor Anthony’s first day. It’s a hard time of year. The past is filled with so much sadness. So many things that went wrong. So much that I don’t understand. It hurts to remember, but also I refuse to let it go. I will feel it. I will hold it. The joy and the pain. The light and the brokenness. I will make space for it all. I will allow it to crack me open in spaces I thought were healed. I will say their names. Share their stories. Speak my truth. And when it all feels too heavy, I will cry out to God and feel Her near me. I will let Her wrap me in love and mend the cracks. I will pause. I will breathe. I will remember. And I will take care of Kristen. I will hold her and allow her to be sad. To break and to cry. I will tell her “yes, it hurts. It’s real. It happened.” I will sit in the silence and the darkness. I will allow Christopher and Anthony to come to me. I will remember.