Ketamine 6/3/23

I’ve been in an episode this week. The world is moving too fast. Spinning and spinning and I’m disconnected and confused. I don’t know what’s real and I need to hurt myself so I can see my pain and make the chaos inside my body calm down.

I don’t hurt myself and I don’t go to the hospital. Instead I go to ketamine. I listen to my brother singing and I cry because I love him so much and it’s so sad he didn’t grow up and isn’t here on this Earth with me. I am Little Kristen and I crawl into Gods lap. I feel Her wrapping her arms around me. I cry waterfalls of love and I can’t stop saying thank you God thank you God thank you God thank you God.

It’s such a contrast to be held in love with all my pain and hurt and to be cared for instead of judged. To be accepted instead of mistreated. To be surrounded by support instead of left alone. I cry and cry for Kristen who was so abandoned and in so much pain and just wanted help and kindness but was always treated with more harm.

Ketamine is healing and not harm. Only love. Ketamine is safety and all my Allies surrounding me. Victoria and our purple love, our souls entwined always. Christopher laughing and playing with me in the waves of the ocean. Alexa butterflies all around me telling me I am loved and safe. Anastasiya stones beneath me changing magical colors, reminding me of my power. Pastor Heidi blessing me as beloved and good. Anna sitting beside me, holding my hand, always connected to me. I talk with God and let the love wash away the pain. Let the present safety heal the past trauma. I feel held and I feel loved. I find strength and everything is going to be okay.