Ketamine Journal 4/17/23

Ketamine is love before the beginning of time. Ketamine is God sitting with me in the dark. Ketamine is remembering. Humanity. The Earth. Ketamine is an awakening. A truth within my body. This body that God gave me and blessed and called good. This body that the man tries to own, control, manipulate, shame. This body that uses each sense to feel connected to her Creator. I smell the Palo Santo forests. I see the vast expansive universe filled with mystery. I hear the angels singing. I feel the rocking of the waves of the waters, from this world and beyond. I taste the grape juice that is my Savior’s blood.

I know that God is with me and within me. God is within this body so burdened by the shame of the world, shame of my ancestors, shame of humanity, that I cannot rise. Jesus says, “this is not your shame to hold!” Jesus says, “give it to me.” And slowly the shame slides off of me, rolling through my body, and I let it go. I feel it all as it passes through me and I give it to God.

I am free and Jesus says, “THIS is how you are SUPPOSED to feel! HOLY. CONNECTED. LOVED. WHOLE. PEACEFUL. JOYFUL.” And I understand. I understand that my body is opening. That I am opening. That I am not breaking- I am becoming. Becoming the woman God made me to be. Healing and growing and loving and learning.

This body is a gift from God and the sensations are my truth. I know this truth deep within my soul, like a memory from a time before birth. And I laugh and cry because I know I am free and I know who I am. Kristen, holy and beloved, body and soul. And I will carry this body, with all of its scars, into the light and into hope.