Fall Retreat

I am terrified. I watch the adults from my hiding spot in the woods. They are walking around the church campground looking for me. I know why and I know that I can’t be found. I know I am bad and that I did something wrong, but I don’t really understand. I know if I am found, I will be in trouble, and I hate being in trouble. I want to be good but I have so much pain inside of me. I can’t escape the trauma of being sexually abused last year. I feel so intense and no one taught me the words to express myself, so I have no voice and no power. Not that anyone would listen to me. I am a 14 year old kid and they are the chaperones.

I was already scolded earlier that day for talking about my intense feelings with my friends. The adult leader in our cabin was listening to our conversation last night and this morning she told me to stop talking about those things with kids. She said it was too much for them. But I am a kid, and it’s too much for me! I have no one to talk to because adults don’t take me seriously and my parents wont listen. I am so angry and confused.

After that conversation I felt so intense and misunderstood. I couldn’t calm down. I didn’t bring anything sharp with me and I panicked. I needed something sharp now! I couldn’t breathe and I was going to die if I didn’t find release, so I frantically looked through my friends things trying to find something I could use. Finally I found what I was looking for- a razor. I took it into the bathroom and pressed the cold metal into my skin until I started to bleed. I immediately felt calmer- my heart slowed down and I could finally breathe.

I need to do it again now so I can calm down but I am trapped in the woods. I heard that all the chaperones were having a meeting about me. Something personal I wrote to my friends mom was shared with everyone and they know I was cutting. I don’t know what to do! I can’t think. I pray over and over that they wont find me, that I could take it all back. I feel so ashamed, like I did something wrong, but I wasn’t trying to. I just needed the pain to stop for a minute so I could catch my breath. No one understands and everyone thinks I am bad. I am frozen because I don’t know how to be in this world. I don’t know what to do with the memories and my whole body screaming inside. I never feel safe.

I see the chaperone from earlier walking towards me. Someone must have told her where I was. I can’t move. I pray that she can’t see me through the trees, but then I hear, “Kristen, come with me.” I come out with my head down and she looks at me like I am so difficult and such a burden. She doesn’t say anything to me and we walk back to the cabin in silence. Once we get there she takes me into the bathroom and tells me to lift up my shirt. I am so fucking angry and embarrassed. I never show anyone my cuts- they are personal to me and private. Every part of me is on fire and I know this isn’t okay but I have no choice- she is the adult and I have no voice. I lift up my shirt and she makes a noise of disapproval. She tells me I shouldn’t do that to myself and that it is wrong and I have to leave the campground.

This is not fair! I don’t understand why I have to leave. It’s nobody’s fucking business what I do to myself and I’m not hurting anyone else so why can’t they all just leave me the hell alone?! I want to scream but I hide it inside my body as the tears fall down my face. Why am I so bad? I just want to be good and all they see is a difficult kid who causes problems for everyone. I wish they would listen. I wish they would see my pain and understand. I am so fucking alone and the world is spinning and I am lost.